#7

Help me!

As you know I have one hate and one love in this world. My hate is Twitter and my love is Jersey Shore. However, I am now conflicted between the two. The cast members of Jersey Shore have Twitter accounts. So should I break my vow against Twitter and follow every minute of these heroes' guidolicious lives? Give me your advice in the comments section. If I even have a comments section, not really sure.

Peace.

#6

Hey, so I haven't posted in a solid 5 months. I don't really have any reason other than I got a life. But now I don't, so I'm on Blogger again... Let's rant.

The movie store in my one horse town went out of business. It's about goddamn time. Its almost as if they haven't heard of the Internet. Why would you pay $6 for a movie for a week when you could alternatively spend $0 and have it forever off the Internet. Pirate Bay. Frostwire. Vuze. Ares. Linkjoy. Essentially movie stores are as relevant and groundbreaking as typewriter stores. There are other businesses that I would love to see just end:

1. Farming. Can't Monsanto and Walmart just run everything?
2. Banking. Just keep your money under a bed and buy a shotgun.
3. My mortal enemy, the music industry:

Thom Yorke (of Radiohead, just in case you're retarded), has said that the music industry will fold in a matter of weeks, and it will be no great lost to the world. And to help destroy this useless industry, a new Radiohead album will be released in a matter of weeks. Presumably free just like their 2007 album, In Rainbows. And because I support stealing movies and music off the Internet. I encourage you to steal my blog. Just take it. For free.

Speaking of dying industries, I'd like to talk to BP. If you're not a representative of British Petroleum don't read the following.

Dear,

Tea-Drinking, Oil-Spilling assholes.

Clean up your goddamn mess. I mean you're literally worse than a 9-year-old. If they spill something at the dinner table, they make some effort to clean it up. And that's milk. You spilled oil. That kills ducks. You're killing this:

Look into that duck's eyes. Just a little bit longer. Do you feel the pain? The evil? Of course you don't, you're heartless robots. Now clean up your mess.

Speaking of Heartless robots, The Fray did a cover of Heartless buy Kanye West and its my SONG OF THE DAY. Hopefully I'll be consistent in posting daily and giving you a kickass song everyday, but consistency is not my thing. Which should be blatantly obviously by the fact that I didn't post for 5 months. But anyways, here's your song of the day.

Peace.

#6

So I know I haven't posted in over three weeks and you've all been desperately anticipating a new blog. So here it is! I'm sorry I haven't been posting more but there's been stuff going on in my life. That's right. Bloggers have lives.

So I heard something very interesting this morning on the radio. Apparently a strip club in Ohio is doing 'Lapdances 4 Haiti.' So they're both slutty and charitable. Good job girls. That gave me an idea. This idea is called, 'Horin' for Haiti.' Hookers take all the money they'd normally give to their pimps and give it to a charity. Plus, both prostitution and charity are tax-deductible. Who knew?

Two dolla' she touch you.

Four dolla' you touch her.

Now its time for a big dose of my wrath. Ke$ha has a new song out. And even if I was mocking her I couldn't have came up with a more perfect title than what she actually used. Blah Blah Blah. And too boot its featuring the man-whores known as 3OH!3. These fuckers make LMFAO's songwriting ability look like System of a Down.

And in news that people give a fuck about a colonel in New Brunswick was arrested for murdering and raping two girls. He is described as white-haired, southern and smelling like chicken.

Artist's rendition.

Peace.

#5

So in case you've been living under a rock or been completely drunk for the past week, something happened in Haiti. Magnitude 7.0, 200,000 dead etc. So make sure you donate http://www.google.com/relief/haitiearthquake/ or you'll go to hell like this twat:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8XJ3F9_GGw&feature=related

So speaking of shit that is making our world unbearable, Conan O'Brien has been cancelled. For those who don't know the 'sitch' let me fill you in. Jay Leno had The Tonight Show and Conan O'Brien had the Late Night Show on afterwards. Jay Leno said he was retiring so Conan moved up to the Tonight Show and Jimmy 'Unfunny Motherfucker' Fallon sucked enough dick to get the Late Night Show. But now Jay Leno is being a whiny bitch and he says he wants the Tonight Show back. What no one seems to understand is that Conan O'Brien is basically the only funny thing left on NBC. So since NBC is Leno's bitch, he's getting his show back and Conan O'Brien is getting the boot. But it's not all bad, he gets $40,000,000 out of it. Yes, that's seven fucking zeros.

On Saturday night, I tried to go see Avatar. Not that I wanted too but seeing as so many people jizzed their pants at the special effects I figured I'd give it a shot. So I get there an hour early and its sold out. A month after it's released it's sold out. And it's taken in over $1,000,000,000. That's nine fucking zeros. James Cameron is probably pulling a Scrooge McDuck right now and diving into a pool full of money. Anyways afterwards I went back and watched Saturday Night Live with Sigourney Weaver as a host. She did a good enough job, except for: ARM FLAPS!

FLY, FLYING SQUIRREL, FLY!!!

Peace.

#4

At 9:30 this evening I pulled into FasGas for some gas. I went into pay and this guy was standing in front of me and this random scrubby looking guy comes out of the bathroom and starts talking to him. I don't like to eavesdrop but the conversation went something like this:

"SCRUB: Hey man.

NON-SCRUB: Hey?

SCRUB: Do you have a car?

NON-SCRUB: Yeah.

SCRUB: Can I have a ride?
NON-SCRUB: Where too?
SCRUB: To the duplexes.

NON-SCRUB: That's like down the block...

SCRUB: Sure, but can I have a ride?
NON-SCRUB: Uh... No, my car's full.
SCRUB: Alright take it easy man."

So as I was listening to this conversation I realized that as soon as I had paid for my stuff he would immediately start badgering me for a ride. That time finally came when he asked me for a ride. I noticed that his eyes were as red as the devil's dick and he smelled like Cheech and Chong rolled into one. Like once you're in a FasGas begging a teenager for a ride down the street that's pretty much rock bottom. And I'd know rock bottom, I watch Jersey Shore. So I managed to convince him not to hitchhike with me and I walked out of the store really quickly. Then I noticed he was following me. So I ran all the way to my car and locked the door really quickly and drove away. All the while this was playing in my head:

"Welcome to NBC Nightly News, the corpse of a young man was found brutally mutilated in his own vehicle, apparently the result of picking up a deranged hitchhiking scrub in a FasGas..."

Peace.

#3

I have one purpose for blogging today. And it is to prove without a fact that Jersey Shore is the greatest television show ever invented. First of all shows should be ranked by the level of swearing, bitch-slapping and how often the cops are called. That's why Jerry Springer and Cops used to be the best shows in existance. That was until the smartest motherfucker in the world over at MTV decided to combine those factors with god's most majestic creature; the guido. Secondly, the nicknames in Jersey Shore are also pretty fierce. J-Woww, Snooki, The Situation! Also the amount of bronzer, hair extensions and random hookups are off the chart. Thank you MTV for this gift from God.

Peace.

#2

I'd like to start my blog off with a quote,

"I like going to the park and watching the children run and jump around, because you see, they don't know I'm using blanks" - Emo Phillips.

With that being said, lets jump right in. Now I know I said I wouldn't bore you with my stupid bullshit, but I also said I'd never blog. The one type of person I cannot stand, above all others, is a cocky bastard. Actually it's not that bad if they can back it up. If someone was cocky about their basketball skills and then dunked like a crazy mo'fucker that'd be cool. But if they had to take a puff from their inhaler halfway through a lay-up, then they get a palm to the face.

Speaking of facepalming; Nickelback was recently voted the top band of the decade. Basically my opinion on Nickelback comes down to one thing, every single song recorded by this band sounds distinctly the exact same. As soon as a new single comes out, everyone instantaneously forgets about their last song and it fades from memory. But the worst part about Nickelback is they've gayed up Alberta more than that time Brokeback Mountain was shot here. Alberta had some pretty cool stuff, West Ed, Elisha Cuthbert, Michael J. Fox a.k.a Shakey and Tegan and Sara. But no, Nickelback ruined it and now Alberta is no better than New Brunswick. Tops.

And more shitty music news, Ke$ha now has the album in the world. This replaced Susan Boyle, who fyi has the voice of an angel, with a hick with the voice of an autotuned binge drinker.For you lucky bastards that don't know who Ke$ha is, she's the brilliant mind behind this lyric:

And now the dudes are lining up because they hear we got swagga,

But we kick 'em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger.

Here's two reasons she is fucking retarded:

#1. She has a dollar sign in her name.

#2. She's from Tennessee.

And here's an extra reason to boot:

#3. This is a picture of Mick Jagger /shudders:

Now I bring you an amazing invention...

Ohmygod. It's Godzilla's Rules of the Universe.

#1. People are stupid.

#2. Always check for toilet paper before you sit down.

#3. Never mention the Holocaust or the time you walked in on your parents going at it.

#4. 12-year old girls ruin everything that's good.

#34. If it exists, there's porn of it.

#34-A. If there's porn of it, I've beat off to it.

#34-B. Don't hold rule #34-A against anyone cause you do it too.

These rules are a great invention, but I'm here to talk about #4 today. 12-year old girls have ruined everything. They've ruined vampires, techno music and Disney. But now they've ruined something so incredibly important to my daily functioning I'm pissed. Ladies and gentlemen, the Internet is now officially ruined. MySpace was pretty sweet until 12-year old girls showed up with sparkle pictures and tYpInG lIkE tHiS. Then everyone migrated to Facebook, which was cool for about a year until they started fan pages for the stupidest shit in the world, got into fake lesbian relationships and kEpT tYpInG lIkE tHiS. And now everyone's migrating to Twitter, which is moot cause it was gay in the first place. If any 12-year old girl is reading this, listen closely. That means put down your cell phone and stop taking stupid random pictures. GET THE FUCK OFF MY INTERNETZ.

And finally, to anyone that's not a 12-year old girl I'm asking very nicely if you've read this once, please come back again and again and make my blog popular. So hopefully I'll have a job doing this like Perez Hilton or Phillip DeFranco. But not like Phillip DeFranco cause video blogging is as narcissistic as masturbating at the mirror while thinking about yourself.

Anyways, I'm leaving to watch Jersey Shore.

Peace.

#1

Blogging, the unbeatable high.

It shoots your nerves to the sky.

Or was that rioting?

I forget.

Anyways after 3 years of saying how much I hate blogs and how lazy bloggers are, I have decided to start a blog. However, for as hypocritical I am, I will never ever get a Twitter account. Twitter is only a way to post useless narcissistic bullshit in 140 characters or less. The only acceptable use for Twitter is to look at Tweets from people that obviously should not have Twitter:

Sarah Palin (VP candidate):

c tomrrw's Healthcare Takeover vote=the sleeping giant will awaken&action will b takn by"average"Americans as lite shines on big govt growth

Bree Olson (noted pornographer):

Are there any porn sluts here in the valley that wanna come get your pussy fucked by me? I'm in the mood for a pretty lil whore tonight.

FCC (really?):

Chairman Genachowski speaking to tech for families at "Kids@Play"summit at CES.

Anyways I think I'll keep my blog to shit that people will actually care about with the occasional story about my life. For example, people ca

re about naked pictures of Jessica Alba. They don't care if I got the wrong fucking coffee order at Starbucks. Continuing on, Channing Tatum (this guy):

Who starred in just ground-breaking thought provoking films as Fighting and G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra has brought fail to a 'ho 'notha level. While shooting his new film in Scotland a scene required him to have scalding hot water poured on him while in a wet suit. Somehow the water leaked through the suit and he quote, "pulled the suit away from his body to somehow get away from the scalding water and the more I pulled, the lower the water went." I'm pretty sure if you had boiling water poured on you the last thing you'd want to do is pull the suit away from your body. And once at the hospital, "I had five guys looking at my shriveled, burned penis." Stupid is, as stupid does.

In the latest Avatar news, fans of the movie are now becoming suicidal because apparently they don't want to live in a world that's not as beautiful as Pandora, the planet that the movie takes place in. First of all, if you're become suicidal over a sci-fi movie, I'm not even sure if I want you on my planet in the first place. And secondly if you want to live in a world with blue people and giant trees, take some LSD and watch the Smurfs.

In the world of my life, I have some exciting news. I found my glasses. My thick-rimmed, Buddy Holly-look alike glasses. Now I decided to take a leap of faith and wear them today, and I discovered that half the fucking population of the world now thinks it's awesome to wear these beasts. 4 years ago I was so ashamed of them I purposefully lost them. But now 'nerd-chic' is back and am I jumping on the bandwagon? You bet your ass I am.

Peace.