#2

I'd like to start my blog off with a quote,

"I like going to the park and watching the children run and jump around, because you see, they don't know I'm using blanks" - Emo Phillips.

With that being said, lets jump right in. Now I know I said I wouldn't bore you with my stupid bullshit, but I also said I'd never blog. The one type of person I cannot stand, above all others, is a cocky bastard. Actually it's not that bad if they can back it up. If someone was cocky about their basketball skills and then dunked like a crazy mo'fucker that'd be cool. But if they had to take a puff from their inhaler halfway through a lay-up, then they get a palm to the face.

Speaking of facepalming; Nickelback was recently voted the top band of the decade. Basically my opinion on Nickelback comes down to one thing, every single song recorded by this band sounds distinctly the exact same. As soon as a new single comes out, everyone instantaneously forgets about their last song and it fades from memory. But the worst part about Nickelback is they've gayed up Alberta more than that time Brokeback Mountain was shot here. Alberta had some pretty cool stuff, West Ed, Elisha Cuthbert, Michael J. Fox a.k.a Shakey and Tegan and Sara. But no, Nickelback ruined it and now Alberta is no better than New Brunswick. Tops.

And more shitty music news, Ke$ha now has the album in the world. This replaced Susan Boyle, who fyi has the voice of an angel, with a hick with the voice of an autotuned binge drinker.For you lucky bastards that don't know who Ke$ha is, she's the brilliant mind behind this lyric:

And now the dudes are lining up because they hear we got swagga,

But we kick 'em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger.

Here's two reasons she is fucking retarded:

#1. She has a dollar sign in her name.

#2. She's from Tennessee.

And here's an extra reason to boot:

#3. This is a picture of Mick Jagger /shudders:

Now I bring you an amazing invention...

Ohmygod. It's Godzilla's Rules of the Universe.

#1. People are stupid.

#2. Always check for toilet paper before you sit down.

#3. Never mention the Holocaust or the time you walked in on your parents going at it.

#4. 12-year old girls ruin everything that's good.

#34. If it exists, there's porn of it.

#34-A. If there's porn of it, I've beat off to it.

#34-B. Don't hold rule #34-A against anyone cause you do it too.

These rules are a great invention, but I'm here to talk about #4 today. 12-year old girls have ruined everything. They've ruined vampires, techno music and Disney. But now they've ruined something so incredibly important to my daily functioning I'm pissed. Ladies and gentlemen, the Internet is now officially ruined. MySpace was pretty sweet until 12-year old girls showed up with sparkle pictures and tYpInG lIkE tHiS. Then everyone migrated to Facebook, which was cool for about a year until they started fan pages for the stupidest shit in the world, got into fake lesbian relationships and kEpT tYpInG lIkE tHiS. And now everyone's migrating to Twitter, which is moot cause it was gay in the first place. If any 12-year old girl is reading this, listen closely. That means put down your cell phone and stop taking stupid random pictures. GET THE FUCK OFF MY INTERNETZ.

And finally, to anyone that's not a 12-year old girl I'm asking very nicely if you've read this once, please come back again and again and make my blog popular. So hopefully I'll have a job doing this like Perez Hilton or Phillip DeFranco. But not like Phillip DeFranco cause video blogging is as narcissistic as masturbating at the mirror while thinking about yourself.

Anyways, I'm leaving to watch Jersey Shore.

Peace.