#8

As of most of my readers, I too thought this blog was finished. It went the way of the dinosaurs, disco and Patrick Swayze. (Death.) However, once in a while an event so tremendous happens that even the dead must awaken to pitch in their useless opinion. What was this event? Was it Pan-Arabic revolutions? Was it James Franco hosting the Oscars baked out of his humble, little tree? No.

This event happened at 11:00 EST on Monday, February 28th. It was the release of a video comparable to 2 girls 1 cup in regards to how primordially weird-as-anything-imaginable it is. Ladies and gentlemen, here it is:

First of all, I'm am 99% she described the creation myth of the Church of Scientology in her prologue. Secondly between 0:44 and 1:03, I was confused. Was that supposed to be erotic on a Freudian level or repugnant? I experienced both for whoever was curious.

Also, Ms. Gaga seems to be comfortable in showing her face in this video instead of blocking it. Like here:

I however am completely not cool with seeing Lady Gaga's unshielded face. Totally not cool.

At least Ke$ha knows to hide her abomination.

Blech. Speaking of trashed sluts. Britney Spears has done the impossible. She's ruined dubstep. Now I must admit I've had quite a love affair with the 'step. Long nights with Rusko, Bar9 and Excision. Mmmmm... But she's destroyed dubstep. FML. For proof go to 2:14 in the video below.

So go on Britney Spears and Ke$ha. Keep ruining good things. I implore you. However, a group of awesome people have made a good thing better. Jersey. Shore. Porn. Parody.

Jersey Whores.

Not only is this earthshatting, it made me realize that there is an actual job that involves a guy making witty porn parody names. Here are a select few:

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Poon

13 Going Down on 30

Edward Penishands

There's Something Inside Mary

Savouring Ryan's Privates

But I must make one final point to this blog. Congratulations Lady Gaga. You are now the weirdest person in the universe. She even beat this guy.

And finally I'm gonna post my awesome song of the week:

These guys are playing at Coachella and I really wish I could go. Maybe as a music journalist. Too bad Rolling Stone magazine doesn't scour Blogger for talent. Whattashame.

Peace.

#7

Help me!

As you know I have one hate and one love in this world. My hate is Twitter and my love is Jersey Shore. However, I am now conflicted between the two. The cast members of Jersey Shore have Twitter accounts. So should I break my vow against Twitter and follow every minute of these heroes' guidolicious lives? Give me your advice in the comments section. If I even have a comments section, not really sure.

Peace.

#6

Hey, so I haven't posted in a solid 5 months. I don't really have any reason other than I got a life. But now I don't, so I'm on Blogger again... Let's rant.

The movie store in my one horse town went out of business. It's about goddamn time. Its almost as if they haven't heard of the Internet. Why would you pay $6 for a movie for a week when you could alternatively spend $0 and have it forever off the Internet. Pirate Bay. Frostwire. Vuze. Ares. Linkjoy. Essentially movie stores are as relevant and groundbreaking as typewriter stores. There are other businesses that I would love to see just end:

1. Farming. Can't Monsanto and Walmart just run everything?
2. Banking. Just keep your money under a bed and buy a shotgun.
3. My mortal enemy, the music industry:

Thom Yorke (of Radiohead, just in case you're retarded), has said that the music industry will fold in a matter of weeks, and it will be no great lost to the world. And to help destroy this useless industry, a new Radiohead album will be released in a matter of weeks. Presumably free just like their 2007 album, In Rainbows. And because I support stealing movies and music off the Internet. I encourage you to steal my blog. Just take it. For free.

Speaking of dying industries, I'd like to talk to BP. If you're not a representative of British Petroleum don't read the following.

Dear,

Tea-Drinking, Oil-Spilling assholes.

Clean up your goddamn mess. I mean you're literally worse than a 9-year-old. If they spill something at the dinner table, they make some effort to clean it up. And that's milk. You spilled oil. That kills ducks. You're killing this:

Look into that duck's eyes. Just a little bit longer. Do you feel the pain? The evil? Of course you don't, you're heartless robots. Now clean up your mess.

Speaking of Heartless robots, The Fray did a cover of Heartless buy Kanye West and its my SONG OF THE DAY. Hopefully I'll be consistent in posting daily and giving you a kickass song everyday, but consistency is not my thing. Which should be blatantly obviously by the fact that I didn't post for 5 months. But anyways, here's your song of the day.

Peace.

#6

So I know I haven't posted in over three weeks and you've all been desperately anticipating a new blog. So here it is! I'm sorry I haven't been posting more but there's been stuff going on in my life. That's right. Bloggers have lives.

So I heard something very interesting this morning on the radio. Apparently a strip club in Ohio is doing 'Lapdances 4 Haiti.' So they're both slutty and charitable. Good job girls. That gave me an idea. This idea is called, 'Horin' for Haiti.' Hookers take all the money they'd normally give to their pimps and give it to a charity. Plus, both prostitution and charity are tax-deductible. Who knew?

Two dolla' she touch you.

Four dolla' you touch her.

Now its time for a big dose of my wrath. Ke$ha has a new song out. And even if I was mocking her I couldn't have came up with a more perfect title than what she actually used. Blah Blah Blah. And too boot its featuring the man-whores known as 3OH!3. These fuckers make LMFAO's songwriting ability look like System of a Down.

And in news that people give a fuck about a colonel in New Brunswick was arrested for murdering and raping two girls. He is described as white-haired, southern and smelling like chicken.

Artist's rendition.

Peace.

#5

So in case you've been living under a rock or been completely drunk for the past week, something happened in Haiti. Magnitude 7.0, 200,000 dead etc. So make sure you donate http://www.google.com/relief/haitiearthquake/ or you'll go to hell like this twat:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8XJ3F9_GGw&feature=related

So speaking of shit that is making our world unbearable, Conan O'Brien has been cancelled. For those who don't know the 'sitch' let me fill you in. Jay Leno had The Tonight Show and Conan O'Brien had the Late Night Show on afterwards. Jay Leno said he was retiring so Conan moved up to the Tonight Show and Jimmy 'Unfunny Motherfucker' Fallon sucked enough dick to get the Late Night Show. But now Jay Leno is being a whiny bitch and he says he wants the Tonight Show back. What no one seems to understand is that Conan O'Brien is basically the only funny thing left on NBC. So since NBC is Leno's bitch, he's getting his show back and Conan O'Brien is getting the boot. But it's not all bad, he gets $40,000,000 out of it. Yes, that's seven fucking zeros.

On Saturday night, I tried to go see Avatar. Not that I wanted too but seeing as so many people jizzed their pants at the special effects I figured I'd give it a shot. So I get there an hour early and its sold out. A month after it's released it's sold out. And it's taken in over $1,000,000,000. That's nine fucking zeros. James Cameron is probably pulling a Scrooge McDuck right now and diving into a pool full of money. Anyways afterwards I went back and watched Saturday Night Live with Sigourney Weaver as a host. She did a good enough job, except for: ARM FLAPS!

FLY, FLYING SQUIRREL, FLY!!!

Peace.

#4

At 9:30 this evening I pulled into FasGas for some gas. I went into pay and this guy was standing in front of me and this random scrubby looking guy comes out of the bathroom and starts talking to him. I don't like to eavesdrop but the conversation went something like this:

"SCRUB: Hey man.

NON-SCRUB: Hey?

SCRUB: Do you have a car?

NON-SCRUB: Yeah.

SCRUB: Can I have a ride?
NON-SCRUB: Where too?
SCRUB: To the duplexes.

NON-SCRUB: That's like down the block...

SCRUB: Sure, but can I have a ride?
NON-SCRUB: Uh... No, my car's full.
SCRUB: Alright take it easy man."

So as I was listening to this conversation I realized that as soon as I had paid for my stuff he would immediately start badgering me for a ride. That time finally came when he asked me for a ride. I noticed that his eyes were as red as the devil's dick and he smelled like Cheech and Chong rolled into one. Like once you're in a FasGas begging a teenager for a ride down the street that's pretty much rock bottom. And I'd know rock bottom, I watch Jersey Shore. So I managed to convince him not to hitchhike with me and I walked out of the store really quickly. Then I noticed he was following me. So I ran all the way to my car and locked the door really quickly and drove away. All the while this was playing in my head:

"Welcome to NBC Nightly News, the corpse of a young man was found brutally mutilated in his own vehicle, apparently the result of picking up a deranged hitchhiking scrub in a FasGas..."

Peace.

#3

I have one purpose for blogging today. And it is to prove without a fact that Jersey Shore is the greatest television show ever invented. First of all shows should be ranked by the level of swearing, bitch-slapping and how often the cops are called. That's why Jerry Springer and Cops used to be the best shows in existance. That was until the smartest motherfucker in the world over at MTV decided to combine those factors with god's most majestic creature; the guido. Secondly, the nicknames in Jersey Shore are also pretty fierce. J-Woww, Snooki, The Situation! Also the amount of bronzer, hair extensions and random hookups are off the chart. Thank you MTV for this gift from God.

Peace.